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By Nina Coltart

A set of papers, forming an invaluable advent to, and expression of, English psychoanalysis within the self reliant culture.

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I felt completely sure that it was what I wanted to do. I shall say more about this certainty later. The question can crop up i n various ways, and one of the first I came across was about twenty years ago, when I was asked to give a paper at the Bart's Decennial Club evening. A Decennial is a meeting attended by people who all qualified, or joined a firm, or started doing something momentous for them, at the same time; they gather for a reunion. The events being celebrated cover entry from a block of ten years at a stretch—hence "Decennial".

He has had periods of depersonalization. He has been afraid of ever getting angry. He has been aware of the necessity for restriction on his activities, and he has felt shame and frustration at his inability to have a normal sexual and family life, though the perversion itself is not consciously a source of shame. Indeed, he has always regarded it, perhaps more rightly than he knows, as the most important thing in his life. Gillespie (1956) points out that the ego-splitting i n ­ volved can salvage a sufficiently important part of the ego for the services of reality adjustment.

It is as if one is lived from depths within oneself for a brief period, depths that one can trust, and which yield up the nearest thing to "inspiration" that we ever experience. The patient shares in its creation and, at such moments, is open to receive what emerges, resistances abandoned. A form of communication is i n process which i t is almost impossible to describe or define accu­ rately. Perhaps i t should be called meta-communication. These WHY AM I HERE? 31 are peak experiences and cannot be summoned by the voluntary will; we can only continue faithfully to work to the best of our ability and prepare the ground for their occasional arrival.

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